First a disclaimer - This is a sad post. I was feeling sad when I wrote it because I was here in the house by myself - again.
But then something happened. Read on.
Lately, I have been really struggling with being alone. Now some may say your not alone your daughter, son-in-law, and granddaughter live with you.
Well, I think you can be alone without actually being alone.
Sometimes I feel invisible. Sometimes I feel like nobody cares about me. Now this isn't to say that I feel like I did 6 months ago when I had a plan not to be here but sometimes I wonder if I am invisible to my kids. Sometimes I feel like no one appreciates the things I do. Sometimes I hate the feeling of emptiness and not having someone to do things with - even if that person was a snake. I miss not having someone to go to dinner with - or the movies - or to just sit and watch a basketball game or something else on TV.
Then tonight when I looked at my facebook account a friend of mine from high school had the following youtube video posted (see below).
In this video this woman talks about feeling invisible to her family. Then she goes on to talk about a book a friend gave her on the builders of the great cathedrals. A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, "Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it." And the workman replied, "Because God sees."
I needed to be reminded of this. That God sees. He sees the cathedral I am building by being a mother and now a grandmother. I love my kids. I love being a mother. I love Austyn. She is the most wonderful thing that has come into my life for a very long time. Sometimes I do feel invisible and that no one appreciates me and that I feel alone but than I need to realize that God sees and loves me.
It is hard to be alone even when I'm not alone or included in the lives of my children but than I need to remind myself that it is a far better life than what I had with Tom and his deceitfulness.
The time will come when I won't be here but hopefully others will marvel at the beauty of the cathedral that has been added to the world by my being a mother.